The Plan To Not Plan
I am a planner. Always have been. For most things, my plans have plans and that helps me from worrying and freaking out. I predict all possible outcomes and then plan out what path I’ll take depending on the outcome. I’m a little neurotic about planning, just ask Charis.
However today I realized something.
I don’t plan long-term anymore.
When I got sick I totally lost all my planning power and since I’m so neurotic that was a huge struggle for me. But slowly over time I learned how to just let things happen because I couldn’t control anything or plan for outcomes. Today I was having a chat with my future brother-in-law and he was asking me all sorts of questions about where I see myself in 5, 10, 35 years. And I was honestly like, I don’t know…alive? He was asking me about jobs and where I’d like to be versus where I am, and what I pictured way down the line and I just didn’t have any normal kind of answer. I realized that being sick changed that about me. I’m still totally neurotic about things that I can control and that are happening right now, but anything further than this year is an open book.
Here is what I know:
I want to be happy and healthy and have a job.
There you go. Future planned. I know what kind of job I want (and have), but I don’t know if I’ll always have it or want to do it. I could get sick again and lose my job again, or lose the motor skills it takes to do that job. He asked me if I planned on staying in my house for the forseeable future and I just thought…I hope so. I could lose my house, which I love. He asked me if I was 100% sure I don’t want a family. I learned the hard way that you can never be 100% sure about anything. I don’t plan for kids, I don’t particularly want them but life changes. People change.
It dawned on me that most people have some kind of plan for their extended future. Granted many people out there are just happily floating through life, but the average joe has a plan for the next 10 or 15 years that includes more than be alive and make money.
Is this a chronic illness thing? Or is this a weird Jackie thing? Sometimes I feel like a lost 22 yr old, and other times I just feel like a calm collected adult that has learned to roll with the punches.
I think some of this stems from the generational changes from my parents to me. In my parents generation, you got a job, got married, had babies. You stayed in that house until you could afford a bigger better one, and you stayed at your job for as long as possible because there was a loyalty to your employer and it was rewarded. People didn’t switch jobs the way they do now. Picking a career was “final” and now its more like “what I feel like doing for the next 3 years”. My house is small and old but I love it. One day I’ll make enough money to move out of it, but I don’t think I will. And well, you all know how I feel about babies. “Settling down” isn’t really on my radar because it’s not like I’m particularly wild anyway. Actually last Friday night was full of insanity as I sat alone on my couch watching documentaries and crocheting. True Story.
Perhaps its just that I’m not worried about my future, because I’ve learned its exhausting worrying about the unknown. Or perhaps I’m just up for the adventure that accompanies a life unplanned. I don’t know and I’m ok with not knowing.
January 29th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
I think it’s a chronic illness thing. I am definitely the same way. It makes it difficult to have conversations about such things with people like your husband who are planning for the end of times when you’re just living for today. In a lot of ways I consider it to be one of the gifts that come with chronic illness. Living in the moment gives you much more focus and I think happiness in many ways. That is not to say we don’t have worries, because we obviously do, but I think it’s a perspective you have to adopt as a chronically ill person if you’re going to enjoy your life.
January 29th, 2013 at 12:50 pm
Yeah, sounds all too familiar. IBD or other serious chronic illnesses will definitely change your concept of time. I was just about to graduate form high school at age 18, and of course every english class makes you write an essay about where you see yourself in 5 and ten years from now. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and actually write what did happen- it certainly not at all what we were all “supposed” to do. I don’t think like that and actually find it amusing when I see people who do. We all know people who have their whole lives planned out before they even hit 21 years old. Nope, not me. It’s one thing to have ambition and goals, but quite another to have things all planned out with actual timelines- like I plan to be married by 30 (common one among my female friends). I laugh- 31, 32, whatever, it’s all fine. We learn not to sweat that stuff and know that it all will work out, but maybe not exactly how we once visioned. Not knowing and accepting that is a sign of maturity and sign of being a very down to earth, real, person. All very attractive qualities when compared to being the other way.
January 29th, 2013 at 4:21 pm
since doing a course of cognitive behavioural therapy, i’ve been very conscious of being ‘mindful’ – i found this post, it’s specifically written from an MS perspective but it’s probably broadly applicable:
http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/?p=146
January 29th, 2013 at 8:10 pm
Hi Jackie i have just read your blog and i fill the same why that i don’t know where i life is going to end up too.
I hope you are feeling better when you get this note..
I live in AUSTRALIA in a small country town named ROSEDALE VICTORIA.
Hope to talk to you soon. Jan Hatters
January 29th, 2013 at 11:09 pm
This blog came at the perfect time for me…I too obsess about the future and need to learn to relax. Also, where can I find those documentaries? For reals! Xoxo
January 30th, 2013 at 8:57 am
I watched:
Blessed Is the Match: The Life and Death of Hannah Senesh
Forks Over Knives (Seemed interesting until I did some extra research and found that the stats were skewed)
Love – Turned it off within 15 minutes
Deforce – This is about Detroit and I thought it was great
January 30th, 2013 at 8:58 am
Wow I never thought about that Matt. If I could go back and look at where I thought I’d be…wow. I know that I had a boyfriend at the time that I thought I’d marry and we wanted 3 kids…all before the age of 25. HAH. Teenagers are stupid.
January 30th, 2013 at 9:16 am
Steve I find this post interesting because I have no idea what hes talking about. Right when I feel like I understand him, he goes in to more spiritual talk and I’m lost again. I’m also mildly bothered by the word “mindfulness”. I think I agree with his concepts but I’m not sure I can relate to his process.
January 30th, 2013 at 9:17 am
Hi Jan! Thanks for writing from across the pond! I hope you can figure out a direction for your life…even if that means resulting to let life just happen around you, like I do!
January 30th, 2013 at 1:56 pm
Hi Jackie,
I really needed to read this right now. Thank you for writing it and sharing your thoughts. I think this is a chronic illness thing. I used to be such a planner. I always believed that if I did A and B it would at least get me close to C. Not so much anymore. Chronic illness has destroyed that equation. I just found out that on top of having UC and my ostomy, I have developed Avascular Necrosis (bone death due to a lack of blood supply) in my shoulder. It was likely induced by prednisone that was used over two years ago to try to control my UC before I ended up having ostomy surgery. Though I only have it confirmed in the one shoulder joint so far, steroid-induced cases very often turn up in other joints. If it does, I have no idea what this will do to my body, my active lifestyle, my career or my financial future. In other words, it has become next to impossible to confidently plan anything beyond a few months. I still try to plan, but I automatically formulate a coping strategy in my head of how I will deal with the disappointment if my plan falls through due to illness. It sucks, but like you, I am trying to just let life happen. I think your future plans are perfect: happiness, health and meaningful work sounds just about right. And seeing that the future is uncertain for everyone anyway, enjoying the moment sounds great too. Even if it involves documentaries and crocheting:) Think about all the things you will be able to make with all that crocheting practice…. hmmm ostomy pouch covers for your friends perhaps???
January 30th, 2013 at 2:47 pm
Ah Heidi, as usual I welcome your wise words and calm disposition! I’ve been reading about your bone issues on your blog and all I can say is that sucks…a big one. A giant one in fact. We always try not to get lost in the “one more thing, why me?” attitude but its hard not to. I’ve taken a lot of comfort in the responses from everyone on this post because while I am totally ok with my lack of long term planning, its still nice to know I’m not the only one. The weird part is that I don’t feel like I’m just floating along, but more like floating with a purpose, if that make sense. I don’t have a plan on where I’ll be in 5 years, but I’m hopeful it won’t suck, and I’m confident that I’ll make the best out of where ever I am.
February 1st, 2013 at 2:06 am
Hi Jackie,
I enjoyed your post and am also glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t feel a need to plan every minute of my life. As a matter of fact, I get really aggravated when people make such a big virtue out of writing out goals and stuff (like somehow I’m a failure because I don’t do that). Who are they kidding? In reality, we don’t even have control over the next 5 seconds much less the next 5 years. Life happens the way it happens. I don’t know about you, but I have had many moments in my life when, despite what I decide I’m going to do, I end up doing exactly the opposite. How does that even happen? I can never figure it out. Plans are illusions. Something bigger is running the show. Even if some of the events you plan happen, they never end up feeling the way you think they’re going to, so what’s the point?. To me, chronic disease, whether physical or mental, just helps you realize all this sooner than most people. It cuts through the BS. That’s been my experience anyway and I’ve had 61 year’s worth.
February 12th, 2013 at 3:01 am
I’ve had Crohn’s since I was seven years old I’m now 43 ….. Long time dealing with colon drama! My turning point was an epic moment on the toilet in college! I had willed myself better after a resection so I could go back to school and resume my attempt at being “normal”. Typical moment, struggling, sweating on the toilet and then enters the mind game….. You’re going to be late for class ….. What will the teacher say …… Can’t tell him the truth …. So embarrassing …. My brain was spinning which naturally made my stomach freak out more …… Then basically I told my mind to shut the F up. I allowed myself some room, shed the guilt and have a so be it attitude. All this happened on the can! But ever since then I have made it my mission not to worry the big plan ….. Who cares anyway! Your take about being Alive is fantastic and I totally agree!